Thursday, March 28, 2013


going back to HKL to visit Abah, while doesn't seem much, did actually made me feel a whole lot of things. it truly is like going down the memory lane.

i still can remember the days i was there day and night that i lost count of hours and just can't get the grasp of days nor weeks.

i still can see the days i was zombified :) sleeping in the ward on a folded chair beside my lil bro's bed, keeping an eye open just in case he needed a suction or two to clear his airway, or scratching his back, or simply helping his every need since he was immobile and wasn't able to speak nor making any sound.

i still can recall the hours of riding out and about to and fro HKL-Jalan Sultan Salahuddin-Pantai Dalam; in the wee hours of the night or the cold, early morning through the winding road of Bukit Tunku trying to reach my parents house safe and sound; or trying to make it through the rain while trying to be home taking turns with my other half; or barely able to open my eyes due to the heat of the day while trying to carefully ride amongst other vehicles on the road.

the wind that blew my face and the fallen leaves softly hitting my face, my figure and my good, old black bike.

the smell of the rain. or the feeling when it hit my skin. or when it helped me to hide my tears or camouflage my fatigue that's written all over my face.

the scent of the freshly cut grass along Mahameru. or the ever-changing holes along the roads. or the ever-annoying bumps along the way.

and it still feels like it's all coming back to me each and every time i am near the hospital area.

it feels like, it's just yesterday i had to see my lil bro slowly fading away after days of coma, when he was only smiling ear to ear with the gleam in his eyes few days before, promising to stay strong while i bid him farewell for the last day that he was still pretty much, happy and lively.

it feels like it was just yesterday that i had to put my poker face on so that my mom was able to hold on and stay strong to, seeing his only son left, struggling for his last breath in his Duchenne-Muscular-Dystrophy-betrayed, frail and fragile body.

i guess, the mixed feeling are still there. the pain, the anticipation, the anxiety, the guilty feeling of leaving him when i could've actually brush aside my own pain & troublesome health back then, just so he would be better and wouldn't be in the coma state 'cause i was able to be there for him...

though i am still deeply saddened, but i am somewhat glad, he's relieved off his pain and now is in the best tender, loving care :')

Al-fatihah to you Amil - may you always blessed in the greatest love of all.

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